How to sing the blues
Most Blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'."
It is usually bad to start the Blues with "I got a good woman" unless you stick something mean in the next line. Example: "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. Example: "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town...oh, yeah!...Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 'bout 500 pound."
Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs, and broke down trucks circa 1957. Other acceptable Blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a "southbound train." Note: A BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, mini-van, or sport utility vehicle is NOT a Blues car.
"Walkin'" plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die" and "findin' a good woman."
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Only adults sing the Blues. Adulthood, when it comes to the Blues, means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the Blues in New York City or Los Angeles but not in New Haven or Phoenix. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues, but Abilene, Mobile, and New Orleans are ok in a pinch.
The following colors do NOT belong in the Blues:
antique violet, champagne, mauve, taupe, and peach.
You can't have the Blues in an office building
or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong. Other bad places for
the Blues: Kmart, gallery openings, and the supermarket.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit or anything by Ralph Lauren or Armani.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yanni, Julio Iglesias, and Barbara Streisand may not sing the Blues. Ever.
If you ask for water and your baby gives you
gasoline, it's the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:
Blues beverages are NOT:
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is also
a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or
being denied treatment in an emergency room.
Some Blues Names for women: Sadie, Louise, Bessie,
Some Blues Names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe Willie, Hank, and Po' Boy.
Men's names which are NOT Blues names: Geoffrey, Damian, and Keith.
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia or Heinz will NOT be permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Need a Blues Name? Try this mix and match starter kit.
· name of physical infirmity (Blind, Asthmatic,
etc.) or character flaw (Dishonest, Low Down, etc.)
Now- you're ready to sing the Blues -- unless, of course, you own a computer.